Those voices….

It’s about to get real…gonna share how I feel.  This is hard to talk about but, I’ve gotta let it out.

Maybe you’ve been a witness to my mental illness.  For a long time I’ve been dealing with this….

This anxiety that often gets the best of me.

It manifests as schitzophrenic tendencies.  Voices plaguing me, making audible all my insecurities.

I’m trying to be present with you,  but these voices are distracting, commentating on everything I do.

Sometimes they’re so loud it hurts… Sometimes its subtle whispers at the back of my mind.  They’re rarely kind…

They’re tricky these demons when they take on the voices of my family and friends;  leave me wondering if there’s some truth to the things they say.  If people really feel that way.

Im kind of superstitious…

Sometimes people think I’m conceited or arrogant because, being socially free and open doesn’t come easy to me.

I put up these walls,  built from insecurities,  afraid to say the wrong thing, or act the wrong way.   I get all choked up inside,  my mind goes blank.  So I fumble out a mumble or say nothing or the wrong thing.

The lonely cycle continues and the voices get louder and things get harder.

I won’t give up,  I won’t give in to the din.

Im learning myself and my cycles when its better when its worse.  I’m learning some discernment,  figure out that he or she really meant.

Make the most of this and use these voices to my advantage instead of letting them push me into a self-destructive, depressive cage.

Learning to be objective and analyze what’s real and what’s lies.

Quiet the mind and find the soft voice of my soul.  Be my own hero.  No one will save me, no one can free me, not when I hold the key.

Masks and intentions

You only see what’s on the surface…you don’t know what’s underneath this.
She’s wearing makeup today? Who’s she tying to impress?

Maybe I want to look my best coz I’m depressed.  Maybe my headspace is a mess and Why she wearing that dress?

Maybe I’m feeling run down and old and I’m doing damage control while my mortality takes hold.

Coz I have no time for myself and all my clean clothes are off the shelf,
Maybe I’m tired.

Maybe I’m tired of the torrent of judgement we face with every little thing we do.

I wanna be like you cuz is what you tell me to…

Buy this, buy that you’re too skinny you’re too fat.  No, that ones wrong shoulda done the first one all along.  Wait theres a new trend…and this selfie wont send.

Fuck.

Contradictions.

You can’t win for loosing.

Try and fake it till you make it tell the snakes to eat shit.

Wear that dress for the fun of it,

Be artistic… not fatalistic.

Love yourself whatever that means for you.

Be otherworldly and dye your hair blue if you want to.   Or go all natural and let your leg hair grow.

Fuck what people think, most opinions stink.

Let them talk shit if they wanna reek of it.

Just do you and filter out who’s who…

Love yourself, whatever that means for you.

Alchemy

There’s gotta be a way

Take it day by day

Where I’m from

What dreams may come.
Alchemy

Take it day by day

Alchemy

Is the only way
I’m a stoned philosopher

Chatting it up with lucifer.

Or some other demon,

Just my own inner voices screaming.
Duality within me.

The bright light burns and blinds

The shadow freezes and binds.

Such a mixture

I’m afraid of bliss

Coz, it surely leads to something I’ll miss,
There’s a name for it, it’s swell,

Pretty sure we call it hell.

Trying my best to dive on in,

And push through.
Wonder when

The curve ascends

Wonder when

We transcend.

Divine Feminine

Divine feminine

Is back again

There’s gonna be a reckoning

Not the sort

You would recognize

When you’re looking at the world

With hate filled eyes.

The divine feminine

Is back again

This world

Needs healing

Hate isn’t the answer

An eye for an eye

Leaves no room

For the question why.

I see you

I forgive you

I know in our souls

Were the same stuff.

That’s why I say

Enough is enough.

Your hatred

Was created from the pain you sustained

Why should I punish you

With anger and vengeance

When loving is what I really must do,

If we want to mend these

Age old wounds.

Intention 

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer for me.
I don’t really care if you’re sorry

That’s not up to me.

I can’t control what you think and do.

And I wouldn’t want to.
The best I can do is send my love to you,

And mention something about divine intervention.

I’ll set the intention.

Love

Love

Love

Kali

 

Playing with my emotions…
Beware they’re like oceans

The under tow is strong

It will drag you down with me

An endless sea

Tread (water) carefully.
You had high expectations

I have my reservations

Your intentions,

you never mention,

It’s only a game if everyone’s playing

There’s some karma to burn

And look who’s paying
Hindsight is 20/20

Unless you’re a ghost

With the most
So much plotting and scheming,

You prey on the dreaming.

Think I was unaware

Of what you were doing there?
Lies are unattractive

And my kali is awake and active.

Love is a double edged sword

When you abuse the word.

Apologies

I could spend hours listing every little detail about our failed relationship, why it was a sinking ship.
I’ve done it before,  funny thing is I usually get about half way through that door shaking with anger,  feeling stupid for staying as long as I did.
You know the story about how you can put a frog in water and it will stay as the temperature slowly climbs and the frog doesn’t realizs the danger until it’s outta time?
I feel like that was a good analogy for you and me.

Except for one thing,

I could feel the heat,

Of your deceit,

And still I’d cling

To the illusion and confusion

call it intuition and I ignored it.

Even though what you were doing,

I abhorred it.
I feel I owe us both an apology.  The warning signs were there from the beginning and I lacked the self confidence to assert my boundaries
I allowed the cycle to continue.   Before we got married,  when you cheated,  there were obviously warning signs that went unheeded.
I made the choice to believe your shaky narrative

And my ignore intuition in its mission.   callously disregarding the message that you had no respect for me.
And when I started to listen to the whispers of my soul,  that place that can reach where lies won’t go,  when I started to synch up with me and get in touch with my divinity…when I allowed myself to see,  to feel,  to understand that my passion and pain was real.   I started to heal. I began to let go, and trust my soul.

Honor

Gonna honor my intention
To live wise

Put my ego in suspension

Shift into the right dimension.

With

good work

good play

good love

and

good vibes.

Gonna honor my body

Gonna honor my integrity

Gonna wake with new eyes to see

The blessings and beauty

Surrounding and permeating

Through you and me.

Zombies

Pill poppin’

Name dropping

Do another line fool

If it will convince you that you’re cool.
Never was my thing,

I’ve felt the sting,

Of the ripples

Created,

From zombies sedated,

Or the fast movers,

Jacked up on the latest fad,

Keep telling yourself you’re rad.
Sooooo sick and tired of people mirroring their bullshit onto me.

Never touched a needle

Unless it was for ink.

Never sold myself,

Unless it was the body of my work.

My art and soul

If I’m a whore than what are you?
And what’s up with you thinking you have the right to pick and choose

Who gets to win and loose

Who gets joy

Who suffers abuse
I’m fed up with the hypocrisy

And fakery.

Two faced

Misplaced sense of honor.

I wonder if you believe the lies you tell yourself.

Love and light,

Yeah right,

All you do is call names and pick fights.
Sorry if my words sting

But the truth fucking hurts.

And you’re in a blizzard wearing shorts.