My Story, that journey.

I was reading over some old blog posts…it’s crazy how things change over time….

Crazy how we change and grow and shed our skin when it no longer fits us and becomes too painful to wear those old identities or illusions.

It’s crazy how we can dilute and delude ourselves and convince ourselves everything is ok and we’re dying inside while at the same time seeing how perfect everything really is in the larger picture, detours and missed turns on the journey lead to new experiences and wisdom and growth.

Sometimes, looking back on the path, it’s easy to feel foolish but, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have and we didn’t have the perspective then that we do now.

I look back at some of my old posts about my marriage for example and I feel foolish for not seeing (or more accurately, acknowledging) things sooner, for staying as long as I did. I saw red flags from the beginning and I stayed in that relationship for 7 years because ultimately I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t know what it meant to love myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years unpacking my baggage and really looking at my demons in their eyes, instead of running from them and hiding them. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m pretty fucked up, but I’m also very proud of the person I’m becoming and the path I’m taking.

I look back when I started this blog and it blows my mind how far I’ve come, the things I’ve seen and done, I couldn’t imagine 5 or 6 years ago…honestly I don’t even feel like the same person anymore….

I feel like I have literally died and I’m learning who I really am underneath all those old assumptions….

Do you believe in God?

I’ve always “believed” in god but, belief only goes so far. Over the last few years my belief has changed to unshakable feeling, knowing.

My path has shown me there is a conscious force out there and in here.

It is all things, it guides and directs and moves and connects.

I don’t claim to understand it completely, I don’t think you can really know the infinite with the 3D mind. But, I do know that I can feel it and I can see the manifestation all around me every day and so many synchronicity’s and so many miracles so many things that have happened.

Divine intervention.

I should’ve been dead over 30 years ago.

Not sure exactly what happened but I am told that I slipped through the rails of our second story balcony as a toddler and fell to the pavement below, Fractured my skull, got all Humpty Dumpty with it. I like to blame my early head injury for some of my weirdness today but, the the fact is, I’m lucky to be alive.

I could’ve died that day. Sometimes I wonder if I did; if I’m living out a full life on an alternate timeline so that I could experience adulthood or some shit like that.

Other times, I wonder if I was precociously suicidal; perhaps I still had access to the other side of the veil (where time is meaningless) and knowing all the shit that was in store for me, I was like, “Naw, fuck that I’m out.” Then an angel, was it Michael or Uriel? An angel smiled and said, as they fixed the cracks in my head, “Oh, it doesn’t work that way lovely little fool, you got shit to do, we’re not done with you.”

Or- maybe I had some karma to pay off, maybe I was a real dick in a past life and I had to pay the balance. Maybe I needed the experience. Maybe it was all of those things, like the many worlds theory in quantum physics where everything is happening all at once, (check this video out for a neat explanation.)

I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering over the course of my life and I’m finally coming to a place where I can be grateful for those experiences.

(I also see the role I played in my own misery sometimes… lol.)

These are the Weird places where my mind wanders. All I know is that I’ve been given a lot of second chances, there must be a reason for it. I think now I know it.

I would love for people to be able to experience spirit the way I do….or as powerfully as I do, in their own way. I want people to feel the bliss and magic I feel and, when they are faced with the struggles and sadness to know that they will be ok in the end, they’ll always have a friend.

A divine partner who will love you unconditionally while pushing you to be highest expression of yourself, knowing that growth is good for your health.

I think it’s a lifelong process, I’m still growing too.

I don’t want you to believe, I want you to have the same unshakeable knowing and I want you to feel the same fierce love that I feel from the universe.

Ultimately I think that everyone’s perception of this spirit will be different, thats how it has to be, but I’m startling to think that sharing my story might give other people the puzzle pieces to their own mystery, their own divinity.

Grace

I wrote the music for this in garage band and put it to pictures of my art. Starts out pretty creepy and dark and lightens up at the end. I’ve just recently started exploring this artistic outlet, I love it, and I find myself getting slightly obsessed. I have a handful of other stuff I’ve written, I’ll share it when I figure out some video to go along with it all.

The vent

10/11/11
Woke up to a strange dream. Details are getting fuzzy but I remember meeting an asian woman who had just woken up out of stasis, she said every few years she had to wake up for a bit, then she goes back into hibernation. She put herself into stasis to wait for the new world after 2012. I don’t remember her name. In my dream it was close to 2012, she had been in stasis or about 5 years. There was some kind of vent which had something to do with the end of the world, the ground around it was getting hot.

DRAGON DREAM And hawk medicine.

This dream took place in the winter of 2007-2008, Shortly after I started tattooing and got attuned for Reiki.  Something I remember during this time was that we were getting pretty crazy flooding and the temperatures were abnormally hot that spring.  I remember seeing clouds shaped perfectly like oriental dragons in the sky and just this weird energy.

In the dream:

I was in this loft kind of house that sat on the top of a big hill, it was night time in the winter and I was gathered there in this house with a bunch of my old friends.   The TV was on and suddenly the news came on and the anchor announced that the world was ending and the temperature would be dropping to -160 degrees fairenheight overnight.  As we received this news the general consensus was, “We’re fucked, lets get wasted.”

That’s when it occurred to us that we didn’t have anything to drink!  So we decided that we would venture into town to go get some booze regardless of the danger, what did it matter?

In order to get to town we would need to take a boat on the river at the base of the hill where the house was, as we went outside and made our way down to the boathouse at the base of the hill we all heard this gargantuan noise that seemed to come from everywhere and shook the core of our bones,  we stood there looking around and couldn’t see the source of the noise until I looked up in the sky and there I could see this GIGANTIC TRANSPARENT DRAGON, SO VAST IT’S LEG ALONE TOOK UP THE WHOLE OF THE SKY ABOVE US.

I love dragons but this scared the shit out of me, I stood there frozen with fear as I watched this gigantic creature in the sky above us.  I got the sense that I was the only person who could see it, though the others could hear and sense it.  As I stood frozen I my terror I was jolted out of my parilysis by a woman I hadn’t seen before calling my name.  She was thin with long dark hair swirling around her waist.  She had bear claw marks on her left forearm, the was a sense of urgency in her voice.

I snapped out of it and ran to the boathouse standing under the awning catching my breath,  I woke up.

 

Not long after I had this dream a Cherokee woman came into the shop where I worked,  her name was Julie One Bear, she would get small tattoos and tip me with hawk medicine, she gave me a hawk feather, a hawk talon necklace and a medicine bag.   I’ve always had an affinity for hawk.

What’s eerie is that she had bear claws tattooed on her arm in the same spot the woman from my dream had the bear claw marks.  I also came to find out that she shared a connection with another friend of mine, years after I first met her.

Electric blue (dream journal)

I had this dream in the winter of 2007-2008

The dream started off in Reeseville, Wi, the town I grew up in.

There was a big silver townhouse across the street kitty corner to the gas station.  I remember being kinda fascinated by the building when I was a kid.

In the dream, this big silver house was being built,  I was a part of the construction crew and I was doing some kind of surveying work.  It was a sunny afternoon and got a call from my cousin Charlie who told me to go out on the balcony and look up at the sky ASAP.

Suddenly, the dream shifted to night, the House was complete and I was standing on this balcony staring at a great white comet shooting across the sky, that was releasing these orbs of colored plasma.  I remember the orbs were a magenta, fuscia like pink, they would jet off from the comet and head toward different places in the landscape.  I watched this for a while in amazement when suddenly it sent out an electric blue plasma orb.

The orb approached me and I was magnetically drawn to it.  As it approached, I extended my hand towards it and it extended a tendril of electricity that made it’s way up my arm.

That’s when I woke up.

A couple of notes about this… when I had this dream it was shortly after I started tattooing and getting attuned for reiki.  (During this time in my life I had a series of strange dreams with odd connections).

This house in the dream also happens to be where a friend of mine used to live, I met her long after my family moved from Reeseville, just a year or so before I started tattooing.

Love.

I’m so hard on myself…why do I have such a hard time giving myself the same compassion and care that I give to others? I have a lot to be proud of, a lot I’ve overcome and achieved and still it feels sometimes like I won’t let me be, I’m my own worst enemy.

Today this becomes painfully obvious as I witness the spiral into abyss but I’m stronger than this. I’ve talked about those nagging voices before, gonna show them the door. Motherfuckers. Fuck you. I can love myself too. 😌

Those voices….

It’s about to get real…gonna share how I feel.  This is hard to talk about but, I’ve gotta let it out.

Maybe you’ve been a witness to my mental illness.  For a long time I’ve been dealing with this….

This anxiety that often gets the best of me.

It manifests as schitzophrenic tendencies.  Voices plaguing me, making audible all my insecurities.

I’m trying to be present with you,  but these voices are distracting, commentating on everything I do.

Sometimes they’re so loud it hurts… Sometimes its subtle whispers at the back of my mind.  They’re rarely kind…

They’re tricky these demons when they take on the voices of my family and friends;  leave me wondering if there’s some truth to the things they say.  If people really feel that way.

Im kind of superstitious…

Sometimes people think I’m conceited or arrogant because, being socially free and open doesn’t come easy to me.

I put up these walls,  built from insecurities,  afraid to say the wrong thing, or act the wrong way.   I get all choked up inside,  my mind goes blank.  So I fumble out a mumble or say nothing or the wrong thing.

The lonely cycle continues and the voices get louder and things get harder.

I won’t give up,  I won’t give in to the din.

Im learning myself and my cycles when its better when its worse.  I’m learning some discernment,  figure out that he or she really meant.

Make the most of this and use these voices to my advantage instead of letting them push me into a self-destructive, depressive cage.

Learning to be objective and analyze what’s real and what’s lies.

Quiet the mind and find the soft voice of my soul.  Be my own hero.  No one will save me, no one can free me, not when I hold the key.

Masks and intentions

You only see what’s on the surface…you don’t know what’s underneath this.
She’s wearing makeup today? Who’s she tying to impress?

Maybe I want to look my best coz I’m depressed.  Maybe my headspace is a mess and Why she wearing that dress?

Maybe I’m feeling run down and old and I’m doing damage control while my mortality takes hold.

Coz I have no time for myself and all my clean clothes are off the shelf,
Maybe I’m tired.

Maybe I’m tired of the torrent of judgement we face with every little thing we do.

I wanna be like you cuz is what you tell me to…

Buy this, buy that you’re too skinny you’re too fat.  No, that ones wrong shoulda done the first one all along.  Wait theres a new trend…and this selfie wont send.

Fuck.

Contradictions.

You can’t win for loosing.

Try and fake it till you make it tell the snakes to eat shit.

Wear that dress for the fun of it,

Be artistic… not fatalistic.

Love yourself whatever that means for you.

Be otherworldly and dye your hair blue if you want to.   Or go all natural and let your leg hair grow.

Fuck what people think, most opinions stink.

Let them talk shit if they wanna reek of it.

Just do you and filter out who’s who…

Love yourself, whatever that means for you.

Coffee reflections…honest connection

So… last night as I mentioned (if you read my short sleep deprived last post)  I published a bunch of posts that had been sitting on my page as drafts.   They were written in October of 2016… and some of them are pretty angry.

I censored myself…  I’m not going to let that happen again… no more stuffing my feelings and thoughts into the abyss going thinking they’ll go away.   No more.   I was angry when I wrote those… but I was also afraid of what people would think…

I’ve decided that keeping quiet out of fear is unhelpful at best and at the worst…I can think of many worst case scenarios.  :/

The last few years of my life have been a rough ride.   They’ve taken everything I thought I knew about life, people and myself and turned it all upside down… Shook me a bunch of times like an old purse with a bunch of shit falling out.

Luckily,  thankfully, things are getting better.  Found some cool stuff in there.  Life is still full of challenges,  that’s life,  but they’re becoming easier to navigate.   I still belive it’s not wise to dwell on negatives, manifest the best and all; however ignoring them has gotten me into so much trouble over the years…

I have to honor that and show up for myself.  No,  fluffy Polly Anna isn’t always appropriate.   Sometimes we need that no-bullshit cantankerous crone energy to protect ourselves and others.  Discernment…  The crone is a wise one she sees, she knows, does what needs to be done.

She’s honest,  brutally so.  While it might be uncomfortable.  I’d rather have honesty that a sugar coated steaming heap of bullshit in a pretty box.

I’ve had some mentaurs who have shown me the value of being real.  They’ve shown me there’s strength in vulnerability,  admitting when you’re fucked up in the head instead of pretending everything’s ok.   Can’t change what you can’t accept…

Alternatively,

It’s also ok to rejoice in your blessings,  your happiness and joy and share that shit.   On the opposite end of the spectrum,  I’ve kept some wonderful beautiful things to myself because of (once again) fear.  Fear I might be deemed unworthy or the object of another person’s jealousy.   Who cares what people think of me?

I’m done hiding.   I’ll start confiding with confidence this path I’m walking,  this journey, these steps are mine.