I was reading over some old blog posts…it’s crazy how things change over time….
Crazy how we change and grow and shed our skin when it no longer fits us and becomes too painful to wear those old identities or illusions.
It’s crazy how we can dilute and delude ourselves and convince ourselves everything is ok and we’re dying inside while at the same time seeing how perfect everything really is in the larger picture, detours and missed turns on the journey lead to new experiences and wisdom and growth.
Sometimes, looking back on the path, it’s easy to feel foolish but, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have and we didn’t have the perspective then that we do now.
I look back at some of my old posts about my marriage for example and I feel foolish for not seeing (or more accurately, acknowledging) things sooner, for staying as long as I did. I saw red flags from the beginning and I stayed in that relationship for 7 years because ultimately I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t know what it meant to love myself.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years unpacking my baggage and really looking at my demons in their eyes, instead of running from them and hiding them. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m pretty fucked up, but I’m also very proud of the person I’m becoming and the path I’m taking.
I look back when I started this blog and it blows my mind how far I’ve come, the things I’ve seen and done, I couldn’t imagine 5 or 6 years ago…honestly I don’t even feel like the same person anymore….
I feel like I have literally died and I’m learning who I really am underneath all those old assumptions….
Do you believe in God?
I’ve always “believed” in god but, belief only goes so far. Over the last few years my belief has changed to unshakable feeling, knowing.
My path has shown me there is a conscious force out there and in here.
It is all things, it guides and directs and moves and connects.
I don’t claim to understand it completely, I don’t think you can really know the infinite with the 3D mind. But, I do know that I can feel it and I can see the manifestation all around me every day and so many synchronicity’s and so many miracles so many things that have happened.
I should’ve been dead over 30 years ago.
Not sure exactly what happened but I am told that I slipped through the rails of our second story balcony as a toddler and fell to the pavement below, Fractured my skull, got all Humpty Dumpty with it. I like to blame my early head injury for some of my weirdness today but, the the fact is, I’m lucky to be alive.
I could’ve died that day. Sometimes I wonder if I did; if I’m living out a full life on an alternate timeline so that I could experience adulthood or some shit like that.
Other times, I wonder if I was precociously suicidal; perhaps I still had access to the other side of the veil (where time is meaningless) and knowing all the shit that was in store for me, I was like, “Naw, fuck that I’m out.” Then an angel, was it Michael or Uriel? An angel smiled and said, as they fixed the cracks in my head, “Oh, it doesn’t work that way lovely little fool, you got shit to do, we’re not done with you.”
Or- maybe I had some karma to pay off, maybe I was a real dick in a past life and I had to pay the balance. Maybe I needed the experience. Maybe it was all of those things, like the many worlds theory in quantum physics where everything is happening all at once, (check this video out for a neat explanation.)
I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering over the course of my life and I’m finally coming to a place where I can be grateful for those experiences.
(I also see the role I played in my own misery sometimes… lol.)
These are the Weird places where my mind wanders. All I know is that I’ve been given a lot of second chances, there must be a reason for it. I think now I know it.
I would love for people to be able to experience spirit the way I do….or as powerfully as I do, in their own way. I want people to feel the bliss and magic I feel and, when they are faced with the struggles and sadness to know that they will be ok in the end, they’ll always have a friend.
A divine partner who will love you unconditionally while pushing you to be highest expression of yourself, knowing that growth is good for your health.
I think it’s a lifelong process, I’m still growing too.
I don’t want you to believe, I want you to have the same unshakeable knowing and I want you to feel the same fierce love that I feel from the universe.
Ultimately I think that everyone’s perception of this spirit will be different, thats how it has to be, but I’m startling to think that sharing my story might give other people the puzzle pieces to their own mystery, their own divinity.